So. This may not be my usual inspiring kind of blog... but, i'm committed to being open and honest; and this is an emotional night I feel I need to share...
I know I'm not as healthy as I should be. I know this full well... believe me, that last backpacking trip was a doozy. I also know I'm not as healthy as I should be because my reflux and lactose-intolerance have been acting up like crazy. I know myself, and I know I haven't been eating healthy. It's just truth.
But, because the Lord has blessed me with people who love and care for me, my brother Petar approached me about my lousy health. (p.s. this is the second time he's done it... and i will forever love him for loving me enough to be honest with me.) Anywho, he asked me if he could talk to a trainer buddy of his about helping me get healthy again. His friend, Brent, has actually helped Petar get into the best shape of his life. I told him I would be willing to figure out a healthy diet (and I don't mean like eat only these specifics foods kind of diet, but like an actual lifestyle kind of thing). So as I transitioned from cowen to home, and then to winchester; I kept this in the back of my head. But I didn't talk to Brent. I just 'didn't have the time' (<-that's one of those excuses people make).
And then... it began. First, I tried on my bridesmaids dress for sammi's wedding... and while it fit... it just didn't look the way I wanted it to. And then... well, then a few things happened that really helped convict of just how sinful it is to misuse the body God gave me by basically trashing it (ask me about them later).
So, I emailed Brent.
And this past Wednesday I began his first goal for me; of drinking 128 oz of water everyday and writing down everything I ate. So I had been recording it in my phone. And then tonight, I transferred it from my phone to my computer and nearly cried.
What has happened to me? When did the food I ate become so unimportant to me? What has happened to the days of making my own whole wheat bread, and watching every single thing I put in my body? When did I quit controlling my portions? When did I quit caring about what I ate? And when did my lack of care become such an idol?
I HADN'T EVEN REALIZED it.
I could sit here and try to justify my poor choices with excuses. But I won't. Cause there is no excuse. I claim that Christ is the top priority in the my life... and that all my choice are made with Him in mind. But that's a lie. Because living like this doesn't glorify God. Neglecting the health of my body isn't pleasing... and definitely doesn't further His kingdom...
So. Where does this leave me now? Well.. it'll be a slow process... but with God in mind first.. and the help of Brent, I will slowly but surely make my way to improving the health of my body.
I am finding that as God reveals the idols I have in my life... I want to cry and fall on my knees in shame. And then God just pours out such grace and mercy... that all I really want to do is cry with a painful joy. I'm not worthy. No one is. that's why God is God... and i am not. He IS worthy of all the praise... and because He loves me so much, He redeems me, and the shame just seems to dissipate.
phew. wow. also, I'm not really writing this for advice or comments, or honestly even words of encouragement... I'm just truly wanting to share my heart, what's on my mind, and what the Lord is doing in my life... and how much easier it is to see my sins, and deal with them, when I allow God to point them out.
My life has been committed to God in service. And while most aspects of my life are doing the work, it's time that this aspect of me start as well.
Let another journey begin.
-k
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