I could write you an entertaining blog using flowery words or
sarcastic language; but today; I'm just going to give it to you straight.
I've had a rough day. On most days I have a pretty clear head
going into work and can take care of babies like nobody's business... but every
so often I find myself upon a day where I seem to do everything wrong; forget
everything I've learned from the past four months; and completely destroy the
schedule we've worked so hard to maintain. Today was one of those days. I
couldn't multitask, I kept forgetting to make important notes... I was becoming
defensive over every little thing that was said to me; because I was taking
every little thing said to me as a personal attack. I was confused with what
was going on; felt like I had never taken care of a child... doubting my basic
abilities as a care provider, and feeling as if I was a disappointment.
And inevitably, when days like this hit; I begin to question my sheer adequacy
as a potential mother.
So.
When a reprieve in the form of a lunch break came; I was too
eager to get away for the hour.
I grabbed up my things; and made a dash for the my car; thinking
only that if I lingered to long; I might be asked to take something to the
office; or drop something off at the laundry. (Under normal circumstances, it's
not difficult at all to serve in such small ways... but today... today it was
just not happening.) I cranked up my AC and hit the road to Starbucks. It's
only about 2 blocks away from work; and the idea of sipping a cold macchiato
while sitting outside in the sun for an hour was too refreshing to deny. So I
went, got my drink, sat my stuff down at a chair with an umbrella; and began to
gush out on my day to God. I admitted how I felt inadequate as a teacher; and
childcare provider... I poured out my feelings of frustration and irritation at
how defensive I had been getting... and began to ask why I was taking
everything so personally... why was I such a bona fide mess today?!? I took out
my Bible (turns out keeping it in your bag 24/7 makes it quite handy) and
turned to 1 Peter (it's been part of our sermon series the past few weeks) and
began to just reread. As I read; thoughts of God's grace began to flood my
mind.. and the importance of steadfast faith. That I am not of this world; that
there are so many bigger fish to be fried that the little tidbits that make up
an 8-hour shift. I repented of some of the sins I had committed in that short 5
hours, even if they had never left my mind; and began to pray for a change in
spirit; a heart of service; and a renewed love for my children.
And the most amazing part? I know that my identity shouldn't be
in idols of acceptance and what not; but today; for that moment in time, I
didn't just KNOW it... I FELT my identity in Christ once again. And I was
right... I'm not adequate... I'm truly not any good... and I will fail as a
parent... and there lies the beauty-- that in my insufficiency; God is sufficient. It's in my weaknesses and shortcomings
that Christ is able to show His glory and grace, and once again put me in my
place. ~He must become greater, I must become less...
As my time alone with God came to an end; I felt refreshed,
forgiven, and loved... I felt the warmth of not only the sun... but THE
Son...
I have found that in ministry it's very easy to dish out advice
and tips on how to stay in-tuned with God and overcome sinful natures and
desires... it's easy to know how to think and what to think... the hard part is
putting it in practice. *Truly practicing and living out what you
preach...
My friends; I leave you for now.
Until we meet again;
Kristina Sarah Pickles Vlasic
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